Food for thought

I’m hungry (which pretty much just means I’m awake, but whatever), so let’s talk about food. Specifically, stupid food.

Dannon Light & Fit Smoothies
If you had to pick one adjective to describe a smoothie, what would it be? Hm.. you know, I think I would choose “smooth.” You know what Dannon chose? CHUNKY. They made f*cking chunky smoothies. First off, that’s an oxymoron like no other. Second, you know what a chunky smoothie really is? Really thin yogurt. It’s like a batch of yogurt came out too watery, and the Dannon execs said, “F*ck it. We’re not wasting all this sh*t. Put it in bottles and call ‘em smoothies.”

WTF?

Since they’re minimally different from Dannon yogurt, they don’t taste any better or worse than that does. So, it’s not that they taste gross, it’s that it’s really disconcerting to drink something with chunks in it. You know what otherwise-liquid has distinct chunks? Vomit. Yes, and soup, but soup doesn’t help illustrate my point. Which is, in case you were wondering, that downing one of these things gives me the vague sensation of backwards vomiting. That is not pleasant.

My recommendation is that the good people of Dannon invest in a few blenders. That, or start packaging that sh*t up as “Light & Fit Chunkies.” Then again, that might just bring us back to the oxymoron problem.

Nabisco Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers
I love me some Nilla Wafers. More encompassingly, I love me some cookies, but Nilla Wafers hold a special place in my heart.. and in my banana pudding. But it was my love of said cookies and my complete disregard for suggested serving sizes that led to my discovery of (and subsequent reburial of) Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers. “After all,” I thought, “now when I eat the whole box in one sitting, I’ll be ingesting 30% less saturated fat!” Yes, I realize that doesn’t make eating the whole box any better of an idea, but you know what? SHUT UP.

Anyway, so usually, I’m not picky about regular vs. diet versions of anything. I hardly drink soda, but when I do, I couldn’t tell a Pepsi from a Diet Rite from a Coke Zero. It’s just all cola to me. I always get the fat-free sour cream, ’cause I don’t notice anything off about it, and a 98% fat-free hot dog tastes just as ridiculously artificial to me as full-fat frank. Maybe I just have very undiscerning tastebuds, or maybe I’ve become so accustomed to seeking out “healthier” options that I just don’t care anymore. Whatever.. the point is, I was shocked to learn that while Nilla Wafers are delicious and awesome and nearly as addictive as meth, Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers are gross and horrible and as thoroughly repulsive as cameltoe.

WTF?

Why, great Nabisco gods, did you see fit to remove, along with 30% of the fat, 100% of the enjoyment? These suck. They taste and feel like cardboard, which I realize is the generic food put-down, but in this case, it’s completely appropriate. Maybe it’s that they don’t otherwise taste or feel like anything, so they assimilate to both the flavor and the texture of the box. Or maybe they just REALLY need that extra fat.

But what may be even worse is their crimes against the holy institution of milk. Look, milk is my lifeblood, so if you’re a cookie, don’t f*ck with that. Nilla Wafers in milk? Genius. The cookies soak it up like Sheryl Crow does the sun. Both wafer and milk are exponentially improved, and my happiness increased in parallel. Reduced Fat Nillas in milk? Horrendous. The cookies actually flatten upon hitting the liquid, and they suddenly acquire a taste.. a sour, spoiled-egg taste. It all makes me very sad, and that’s something I really thought a cookie could never do.

The Florian Sandwich
There’s this restaurant here called the Florian, and.. let’s just say, it’s not where you go for fine cuisine.  It’s where you go because nowhere else is open at 10:30, or it’s where you go because you can eat on five bucks.  That’s pretty common knowledge ’round these parts, so the general ho-hum quality of food isn’t the issue.  My beef (Ha!  It’s a food pun!) is with the menu item called, suspiciously, the Florian sandwich.  It’s quite possibly called that so it can be comprised of whatever the hell they have lying around their kitchen.  Anyway, one of the ingredients (at least as it was today) is mushrooms.  Not portabella or crimini or anything fancy.. just standard white mushrooms.  Oh, and they were raw.

WTF?

Who puts raw mushrooms on a sandwich?  They’re gonna add almost zero flavor, and they’re awfully inconducive to the idea of a sandwich.  They hinder the whole “staying together” thing, they fall off left and right, and they just generally get in the way.  Sautee them, please.  Or marinate them.  Or f*cking fry them, I don’t care.  Even slicing them really thin would’ve been an acceptable solution, but instead they’re just big weird hunks o’ shroom invading an unsuspecting French roll.

Also, while I’m talking about the Florian.  Apparently, baked potatoes are no longer on their menu.  WTF?  This is not Ireland, there is no potato famine.  If you were looking for effective cutbacks, potatoes were probably not the way to go.  Go buy some damn spuds.

~ by Nick on Thursday, April 12, 2007.