You don’t even have to speak Jamaican

Whitney is not kept around despite her plus-sized storyline, Dionne is not a lesbo (or so she says), and Natasha is neither happy nor dancin’. These are dark days here in Ty-land.

Dionne
Dionne was a fountain of hilarity this week. Not that she isn’t always.. *cough* Wholahay *cough*.. but this episode especially, she was a wholahoot. From the unintentional humor of butchering English (“Seeing my baby has made me extra happier; you need a little inspirationary now and then.”) to the admittedly random Jamaican accent (“I don’t even speak Jamaican!”) to the family reunion gone awry (“I see my mom, my sister, and my baby! And the first thing that came to my mind is: What the f*ck is wrong with my baby’s hair?”) to the almost-offensive-until-she-owned-up-to-enjoying-herself masterpiece (“Hold up. I’m not no f*ckin’ lesbo.”), Dionne wins the award for Most Quotable ANTM Contestant Since Jade. That is very, very special. Here, have a trophy.

The releasement of the news was just too much for the other girls to withhandle.

Dionne could also get an award for Biggest Potty Mouth. Damn, girl.. five F-bombs in one episode? Did I accidentally turn on Flavor of Love?

F*** is the new fierce, y’all.

Renee
Renee got to see her baby, too, as a reward for winning the acting challenge with that guy from that movie that’s seriously not that funny, you guys. She was on the verge of tears for three consecutive minutes of airtime, and amidst the eye-welling, she took the confessional time to personally thank Tyra for the familial visit. That is how you play the game, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and did I mention that ever since last episode’s inTyravention, she’s turned over a new leaf? Man, she really knows the angles to hit.

In it to win it.

Too bad she got the task of shooting with Joanie. Why? Because Joanie kicks ass. Both Jay and the photographer noted how awesome Joanie was during the shoot and how less-than-awesome Renee seemed in comparison. Quite frankly, Joanie would probably have outshined whichever girl she was paired with, so it was a bit of a raw deal for Renee.

Look, I even gave Joanie a picture in Renee’s commentary section. Sorry, NeNe.

Natasha
Guess who didn’t get to see her baby? You know, I understand Jay’s whole “Some girls are going to have prize wins that other girls don’t have,” but dude. It was an acting challenge. You think maybe the non-native English speaker is going to be at a slight disadvantage at memorizing and reciting a script? Hm? So, Nata sort of got the shaft, and she took it real hard. It was like an emotional makeover.

Tyra’s all, “We’re going to give you big, flowy tears!”

Still, she rocked the photo shoot (as has been her tendency lately.. whodathunkit?), although the makeup they gave her did not look near as gnarsty as Michelle’s impetigo. Where are the scabs? The pieces of face falling off.. her face? The fodder for rumors of burning herself with cigarettes?

Okay, at this point, I planned on doing a side-by-side comparison of Natasha, with the lipstick-splotches they gave her, and Michelle, with the real deal. The problem was, I couldn’t find a good picture to use for Michelle. So I thought, why not Google image search for impetigo? Why not, indeed. Seriously, you guys, if Michelle really did contract impetigo, she had the prettiest goddamn impetigo in the world. The pictures that came up on the search made me want to vomit and then look at that vomit because it would be much less disgusting than the pictures. I’m still residually nauseous from it. In order to try to get over it (God help you if you just did the search to see for yourself), here’s a picture of a kitten:

Way cuter than oozing pustules, let me tell you.

Although, to keep in the spirit of the photoshoot, I should give him a few “blemishes”:

Still so cute!

Jael
Too bad Jael didn’t get picked to portray Michelle in the photoshoot. A few more burns with the curling iron and she’d be ready to go! Instead, she was enlisted to make vagus nerve disorder look fierce by posing as the faint-prone Rebecca. Somehow, she misunderstood and grabbed for Rebecca’s boobie.

It’s an honest mistake. Anyone could have made it.

At judging, the issue of Jael’s speech was finally brought to light. I’m not going to transcribe what was clearly the crafty work of editors (her boggling monologue before the panel), but I am going to include this polite but patronizing smile that capped it.

Twiggy f*cking hates Jael.

Brittany
Ding dong, the weave is dead. And thank God (Tyra), because that thing needed to go worse than a racehorse after its fifth Big Gulp. Look at it! It’s like they extracted a family of raccoons from her head.

I thought they normally denned in chimneys.

Brit had another solid week, posing with the twins, but can I just ask.. the twins? I thought the theme of this shoot was portraying great events in ANTM history. (By the way, the show has now evolved beyond merely referencing itself to outright worshipping itself. Somehow it seems like that could be a metaphor for someone..) Twins are not an event. Unless we’re talking about their birth, in which case the shoot would have seen Brit pushing her way out of a giant vagina, and you best believe it would’ve been fierce. But that’s not what the shoot was. Instead, they just had the three girls pose as triplets, which.. okay, wait. The theme was twins. Triplets are not twins. I have a very simple equation for that one, Tyra:

Learn your damn arithmetic.

Jaslene
For being the girl that forgot her lines in the acting challenge, Jaslene wasn’t much chastised or otherwise featured in this episode. Her draggishness was called out, but for Jaslene, that has about the same effect as if the judges started saying, “You know, she has a tendency to look really Latina in her pictures,” or “Have you ever noticed that Jaslene has a head, a torso, and four limbs?” What should scare Jaslene is that, as she herself predicted, she was labelled by Tyra as the girl who’s not progressing, or alternately the girl who’s lost her fire (see: Nnenna, Toccara, Brittany the First). Light that sh*t up, Cha Cha Diva!

Consider self-immolation. Tyra would love the commitment.

Still, I have to give Jaslene her dues for calling it. Jaslene is clearly a fan of the show and is like the anti-Brooke when it comes to deciphering Tyra Mails. Remember how in Cycle 7, Brooke was always wrong in how she interpreted them? There was that time she thought they’d be going to dinner when they were really going to interview Janice Dickinson, and another time, she guaranteed that the girls would be fighting each other on pedestals, which.. just didn’t happen. But Jaslene, upon listening to the first Tyra Mail this week (“Whatever you do, don’t be yourself.”), calmly asserted that they would be acting. It’s not that she’s a supergenius for figuring them out, but nobody else ever seems to. So, maybe in the world of ANTM, Jaslene really is a rocket scientist.

Hey, Jaslene.. what’s the drag coefficient for a model walking down a runway? Ha!

Oh.. that high.

Whitney
I have to say, I didn’t see this one coming. I thought for sure Whitney hadn’t fulfilled her destiny as a valuable bit of social commentary, but so we say goodbye, and I’m sort of relieved that this show is making the attempt to salvage what little credibility it might have once had. I still think Whit’s a gorgeous girl, but she just wasn’t measuring up. Also, what was up with the fivehead she was rocking this week? Was she challenging Tyra for the title?

You seriously could land an airplane on that thing.

Seriously.

Farewell, Whitelle. It’s been swell. We knew ye well, I’m glad to tell. Your spirits, well, they never fell. And.. oh, Dionne? What is it, praytell? Have you something quick to yell, within this, my poem’s shell?

“What the hell?”

Yeah, okay. I’ll shut up now.

Actually, no.. there’s one more thing. Someone please explain to me why we didn’t get to see the surely-fantastic exercise captured in this photo from the ANTM site:

I agree with Dionne. What the hell?

I can only imagine what would happen if the worlds of Tyra’s highly-punctuated judging spiel and Natasha’s linguistic interpretive dance were to collide. And so, in fact, I will imagine it: “They are two beautiful girl stand before me. But I have one only photo in the hand. And it to represent the beautiful girl who still is running for become America’s.. Next.. Top.. Model. I call only a one name. The girl her name I did not call must now go turn back into a loft, pack the bags, and go to home.” Congratulations, Natasha. You’re still in the running towards becoming my favorite.. person.. ever.

~ by Nick on Monday, April 16, 2007.