A really, really hot talk

The girls go down under, where they’re assaulted by kangaroos and cactuses, and somebody gets a sheila in her bush. Or.. something like that. This week’s episode seems almost entirely dedicated to the mutilation of English, but you know.. that’s cool, that’s cool. Oh, and Jael is told to stop spreading her light. I mean, think of the children.

Before I get started, I want to thank Rich at FourFour for the screencaps I’ve used for this recap. It seems that my computer no longer likes to take screencaps or something, or maybe I just turned suddenly stupid, or both. In any case, this makes the whole pictures-and-words thing seem like it might not last too much longer. That is, we might be down to words soon. Anyway, just wanted to let it be known. Now, on with the show!

Natasha
Well, slap my ass and call me Charlie, Natasha’s done it again. Despite the hurdles of her tenuous grasp on English and even more tenuous grasp on Australian English (“You’re all being cactuses.”), Natasha bowled Tyra over with her commercial and won the challenge, securing a spot as a Tyra Show correspondent. Hooray on Natasha for make the great interviews!

She so happy she hide her much happy face!

Also, hooray on Natasha for make the awesome comments. Case in point, I loved this: “Dionne and Jael are having a really, really hot talk. When I look at them, I imagine two cats ready to jump on each other.” Argument or foreplay? How can you tell! Ah, semantic ambiguity. Also, I don’t just imagine; I envision.

Meeeeoooowwww.

Brittany
Excuse me while I go on the defensive for a moment. You see, Brittany seems to be the object of a lot of ire, which I just don’t get. Are you mad at her for crying? But that’s what makes this show so fun! Is it because she’s actually a good model? Are you just not used to that on this show? I’ve even heard people criticize her voice, to which I say: Kathleen, Jaslene, Jael, ahem.

Now, Potes over at TwoP raised a legitimate question, and perhaps it’s the root of some of the more recent spite: Why wasn’t the I-got-hit-by-a-car-and-it-f*cked-my-short-term-memory thing an issue last week when she had to memorize a script for the acting challenge? To this, I think I have a legitimate answer. First off, we didn’t actually see much of Brittany during the acting challenge, so it’s quite possible that she did have a great deal of difficulty with it, footage of which of sacrificed in editing. Second, I can say from personal experience that learning one part in a dialogue is markedly easier than memorizing a monologue. You have more explicit cues to play off, and there’s generally less arbitrary thematic meandering. It also seemed like what hit Brittany harder was realizing that she could look at the cue cards and “forget what [she] read two seconds later.” That must be pretty embarrassing, and being upset by that seemed to be the real source of her undoing.

That being said, the issue and ensuing breakdown may have saved her in this competition. After all, she was in danger of hitting boring, forgettable territory, and this just shot her eight staples ahead of the pack. Plus, it provided her the opportunity to cry before Tyra, which I think we can all agree is a commendable strategy.

Tyra’s all, “Mm, yessss.. delicious, salty tears.”

“Perfect for my collection.”

Renee
You know, as much as the change in attitude may have made Renee a better person, b*tchy Renee was way better television. I mean, she hardly did anything remotely asshattish this week. Okay, so she interrupted Natasha.. oooo. Come on. This is the girl who threatened to beat Brittany’s ass for crying, then had the gumption to claim she’s “not a mean person.” Yeah, we hated Renee then, but we loved to hate her.

For entertainment’s sake, let’s hope this is only temporary.

I thought Renee’s commercial was good, if a bit pre-owned-vehicle in delivery. But you know what? She expressed reservations about being too over-the-top, and Jay told her to go for it. So to chastise her later for going for it is really stupid, Tyra. Plus, she was the only one of the girls who really used a thick Australian accent as directed. Granted, she was only about two notes shy of shouting, “Crikey! I’d sell my knickers for a spot of Vegemite!” But still, an A for effort.

Jaslene
When Erika Heynatz greeted the girls after they got off the plane, nobody seemed to understand her Aussie slang. (To everyone but Natasha, I say: Context clues, ladies! Did you never take third grade language arts? Also, “chewing the fat” isn’t so much Aussie slang as just.. slang. Like, people use it here in the States, too.) But nobody was more confused-looking than Jaslene, who might as well have just been explained the difference between unergative and unaccusative syntax structures. Jaslene says, “I had the biggest question mark on my forehead.” I oblige the metaphor.

But being the confident (and spicy!) Latina, she is, let’s do this right.

Jaslene says, “¿Mande?”

Also, as much as I joke about it too, the judges kind of need to give the whole Jaslene’s-a-drag-queen thing a rest. I mean, yes, I (and 9 out of 10 sighted people) agree, but at this point, it’s criticizing the ocean for being wet. Either give the girl a sponge to sop up the excess trannitude or leave her alone.

Dionne
During the challenge, Dionne didn’t use much (or any, if the editing is to be believed) Aussie slang, but she ended every indicative sentence with “That’s cool, that’s cool.” Maybe she just thinks that’s how you pronounce a period? Anyway, the editors kept a running tally:

What they didn’t show you was the other tally.

She’s not no f*ckin’ Aussie, neither.

During her commercial, the random Jamaican accent resurfaced. It’s like a secret second personality she never even knew she had. A secret second personality named.. Wholahay, perhaps?

Jael
Oh, Jael. You know, I’ll miss you and your weird.. everything, but it was pretty clearly your time to go. Thank you for the following: hula-hooping, your tutu, evil-duck protection, requiring more subtitles than the Russian chick, being a sexy beast, random nudity, and throwing tampons. Especially throwing tampons. As a side note, this one time, when I worked for the Humane Society, I was fostering a dog named Diego (man, I loved that dog), and I came home to find that he has been playing with one of Burrito’s toys. It was wet with slobber, and as I squished it in my hand, I thought aloud to myself, “I don’t remember buying Burrito a pink mouse toy..” I hadn’t. And it wasn’t slobber. BUT I DIGRESS.

Kittens make you forget all sorts of unpleasantries.

As for Jael’s commercial, I really expected the worst thing about it to be her speaking voice. I mean, she’s not really renowned for her enunciation. Much to my surprise, I found her relatively easy to understand. However, I also found her irrelatively hard to look at when she made this face:

It’s not that you look uncomfortable, Jael. It’s that it makes me uncomfortable.

Tyra
Kudos for finally getting her look at panel right this cycle. For once, she doesn’t look like a gypsy or a pirate or a gypsy pirate. Maybe that’s not saying much, but hell.. an improvement’s an improvement. Also, kudos (mm.. Kudos) for outdoing the insanity of showing up last cycle to announce the overseas trip in full flamenco gear by showing up this time in a kangaroo suit. Furries across the country just simultaneously orgasmed. I just happy-gasmed. It made me want Tyra to live in the Hundred Acre Wood.

Weeeellll..

Kiss her fat ASS, Christopher Robin!

~ by Nick on Tuesday, April 24, 2007.